Hmm, then take it slow and easy and get to know each other better at an easy pace. And remember, the magenesium flame burns bright and fast and gloriously, but fizzles out quickly. Take your time to get to know each other. And this time put in a bit more effort.

Relationships are hard work. It's a concept many of us so not get and even I took a long time to learn it and as much as I hate to admit it, someone taught me a great deal too. It's more than just words and feelings, it's a physical will to make a commitment to be together through all that comes your way, good bad crap and gold. It takes compromise without losing sense of self.

~ APoon
 

Its a turbulent night.
And for a moment, my world collapsed when he told me the news.

I don't think i have ever been so forthcoming and assertive before.
This really tested my commitment to the relationship and how hard i was going to to try to hold on to it.

And this is just another reminder for me to look back in future.
Even if i forget the novelty and the excitement, i must never forget tonight.
This is no purchase or conquest.
I have committed another person to take the journey with me, together.
I will fulfill this to the end.

I started out this journal journey with bitterness in my heart.
It was really not easy letting go of someone you had been waiting for so long.
And the process itself was nearly as painful as the initial, always subconsciously comparing every person with him.
I never gave all these other guys a fair chance. For that, i apologise.

But at this moment, i have managed to shelve him out of the back of my mind.
With this guy, i have formed a different future-image.
Is he going to be like the flash-in-the pan like the ones i dated previously?
I don't know. Its too early to tell, right?
But what i do know, is that i do not intend for it to become that way.
Perhaps that's the resolution for 2009.

After 5 years of fooling around, 18 months of trying my best, and then 18 months of wallowing in self-pity and bitterness, i think i have had enough.
I won't presume that HE is the one.
But i will definitely try.
And this is to remind me.

In case i forget one day, this is to remind me.
Remind me that he is a sensitive soul.
Remind me that we both appreciate each other's talents in art, music and literature.
Remind me that he is also an adventurous spirit who is willing to try everything.
Remind me that he went through a lot of pain before we finally arrived at a grand starting point.
Remind myself what i had to go through as well, before finding him.
Remind myself too that i really love him.

Remind myself why i love him when i feel that the relationship turns stale.

I remember this particular quote from Burgess' Clockwork Orange.
Alex, in the book, said "But what I do I do because I like to do"

Sounds absolutely hedonistic.
In the ideal world, i guess it can be done that way.
Touch your heart, follow where it tells you to go.
End of story.

But I forget the consequences, the emotional responses and the baggage that all comes along with it.

I remember in the not-so-far-away past where i had lust over a couple.
And eventually i ended up fooling around a bit too close with both of them on separate occassions.
And one day when one found out about the other, i was put in a spot, by my very own doing.

A few days ago, i allowed myself to be in the same situation again.
I allowed myself to get too close to someone who's partner is not physically with him.
Its rather obvious i am just filling a temporal void.
And its probably rather obvious to myself that i won't be able to detach feelings from such an episode eventually.
But i still jumped into it.

Even though i know that i will get wet, i am the boy who just wants to dip his foot into the puddle.

So what goes on in everybody's head after they break-up?
Let emotions totally take over? Or analyse what went wrong?

He says that i was spending way more time with my activities and friends than with him.
He didn't seem to mind when i told him inititally that i had all these things going.
And it seemed fine we were spending weekend nights together.
But now this is the reason quoted for break-up.
 

My fault entirely? I'd like to think not.
He's fault then? I would rather not be blame-shifting either.
We didn't spend enough time talking.
Talking about expectations, talking about where we hoped this would lead to.
And without that, it really did lead to nothing.

Its not the first time.
And it probably won't be the last time either.
I was ready to go right into it.
But it always takes 2 hands to clap.
And this time, i was STILL alone.
Alan is still very alone.